Jewhoo! - Interactive III

'Tis the season of polls in the United States. We at Jewhoo! want to survey our visitors regarding several questions of interest to the Jewish and larger community. Please vote only once. If it looks like the results were stacked, we will simply have to make up our own polling results. Our poll questions are a bit different than the normal ones and really have little meaning. The margin of error for this poll is a bigger than all outdoors, but a little smaller than the universe.

1. When you heard that Joseph Lieberman's wife was named "Hadassah", did you think?

a. "Too" Jewish.
b. Why is she named after a Jewish women's organization?
c. Wow, that's Jewish!
d. Hadassah is the Hebrew word for "Esther".

2. When Gore's daughter, Karenna Gore Schiff was speaking at the Democratic convention--did you think?

a. She's pretty.
b. She doesn't look Jewish.
c. I wondered if he converted or she did?
d. How are they raising Gore's grandson?
e. All of the above and, by the way, is her husband Jewish?

3. Reform Party candidate Pat Buchanan was recently hospitalized for successful gall bladder removal surgery. Knowing this, is your first thought:

a. I don't like him, but I don't wish suffering on anyone.
b. Better they should take out his liver, the man is full of bile.
c. He probably had a Jewish doctor; the big hypocrite.
d. I don't care. But I am glad you told me about his troubles.

4. A number of actors have been elected to public office. Most notably, Ronald Reagan. Which of the following Jewish actors/actresses would make the best President?

a. Sarah Jessica Parker-She's really pretty and she seems like she is really smart.
b. Sarah Michelle Gellar-She can keep vampires out of the Oval Office. But I would only vote for her if she finally tells us if she is really Jewish.
c. Harrison Ford-I know only his mother is Jewish, but he has experience playing the President.
d. Mel Brooks. Listen, we survived Reagan and I would love to watch a Brooks' Presidential press conference.

5. When voting for a President, which of the following totally skewered choices is most important to you?

a. Someone who will do something about the appalling lack of Jewish players in the National Basketball Association.
b. Someone I think wouldn't put mayonnaise on a good pastrami sandwich.
c. Well, you see, my spouse and I always fight for the remote. I want a President who I feel I won't have to click off the minute he or she shows up on the television screen. Just in case I don't have the remote.
d. Whoever becomes President should come from a substantial background, be educated, know how to dance, and play a musical instrument at least passably. In other words, a well rounded person.

6. Education is a hot topic. Would you be most likely to support a candidate who:

a Provided government funds so your child could finally finish that doctoral degree. Thereby allowing him/her to move out of the house and get a life.
b. Provided federal funding for Yiddish immersion classes for the highly assimilated members of the Jewish community.
c. Advocated the public takeover of Ivy League colleges thereby reducing the tuition from an "arm and a leg" to a few fingers.
d. Understood that we are not made of money and why can't the public schools do a better job and why do I have to worry about where to send my kids all the time?

7. What Presidential action would show a special sensitivity to the Jewish community?

a. Avoid having a mistress with the name "Lewinsky" or something similar.
b. Avoid laying wreaths at any cemetery that has WWII German soldiers buried in it.
c. Promises he/she won't announce to the press that he/she is studying kabbalah and that Judaism is so "neat" and mystical and how Madonna turned him/her on to it.
d. Works with a language coach and is able to make a guttural "ch" sound out of the back of his/her throat while pronouncing Chanukah.

8. Prayer in the public schools is a sensitive issue among most people in the Jewish community. Assume a presidential candidate supported one of the following positions. Which position would you support?

a. No prayer should be allowed in the public schools.
b. Silent prayer before important exams should be allowed.
c. A non-denominational prayer is okay. But only if pictures of famous Hasidic Rabbis are put up in school rooms nationwide.
d. Students can lead vocal prayers for any faith, but only if they speak in Yiddish.

9. Which is the closest to your position on America's drug policy?

a Free, universal access to antacids in case of business reversals.
b. As long as the youthful user keeps his grades up, don't worry so much about it.
c. Put my brother-in-law, Sheldon, on television and ask him about the time he danced naked with goats.
d. I really don't know. I have these terrible allergies and half the year I walk around like a zombie anyway. Who needs drugs?

10. What personal fact about a presidential candidate would impress you most?

a.While not Jewish, has over a dozen Jewish relatives somewhere in his/her family.
b.While not Jewish, has a dozen Jewish relatives in his/her family-none of
whom married into his/her family in a non-Jewish ceremony.
c. While campaigning in a Jewish neighborhood, knows enough to order a kosher hot dog.
d. While campaigning in a Jewish neighborhood, knows enough to order a kosher hot dog and not chase it with a container of milk.

If you have any comments or questions, please contact: editor@jewhoo.com.